Some things you don't build just for the world to see. some things, you build because you need a space to breathe.
it took me a while to make this website live, i think i got trapped in trying to make things perfect, i was attempting to build those cool micro interactions , page animations , those brutal 3d fluid animations. i had some other good ideas for this website, not just only blogs. but little did i know how hard some of those things are actually to build. it was like “ hey , i have learned how to accelerate, can i drift now!“ .
And that's where the mess began. the excitement was slowly turning into pressure.
i kept adding complexity, thinking it would make the site more “Creative”, but at some point, i realized all i need is to start with simple things, later - along the way i can implement all the things i have thought about.
There is a always a reason behind it… right?
After finishing my diploma, I am spending most of my time alone at home. And in that quiet , i decided i wanted to focus on things i had always wanted to learn — the things i knew i was not good at yet.
but i realized it was not going to be easy, i didn't have a clear path, my mind cluttered , and i am the kind of guy who thinks but never really take the action, just overthinking over a certain thoughts, an incident i was embarrassed, on questions “Am I learning enough?” , “will i ever be good at it?” .
then i started journaling, my thoughts, what i did through out the day?. trying to write on a certain thought so that i could at least bring my thoughts on a paper. at first i struggled but eventually i was able to write a couple of sentences without any help. just raw thoughts. music helped me a lot while thinking and even writing, i observed the style of writing and what kind of emotion to think changes according to genre of music you listen.
anyway, i still wasn't able to decide how i am suppose to learn more about design, programming and other things, but i knew i needed to start somewhere, i already had a freelance design work in my hands, which am glad of it because at least i was doing something meaningful and getting some real world experience and TBH i learned a lot (maybe I'll save that story for another blog).
Programming on other hand , never really interested me at first, and i guess it was because of the way i was being thought in college — very surface-level, no deeper context.
But i always wanted to know how things actually works under the hood. like when you write code and you hit the run button, what all processes are done to produce the output? i know it compiles the code into low-level language so that CPU can understand, but how the heck does it convert the code, is any algorithms are used? does any other language used to make this translation happen? and many of the questions which i never got the answers of it.
Back then i was not really aware of finding solutions on google, asking in communities for help and all. Now that I am, I find myself becoming more and more interested in code.
Along the way i found myself deeply lost in thoughts — memories i made in past, the days when we were just kids, enjoying every single moment.
How we used to think world differently — where afternoon felt the longest stretch of the day, waiting for the clocks short hand to arrive at 4,
When sun starts to wrap its day shift to set and everyone would gather in drawing room waiting for tea to drink.
I'd sit quietly in a corner, just watching —
watching them talk, laugh, share stories without any concerns or burdens.
just seeing them smiling my smile would widen more.
Now its rare,
Rarely do we gather like that.
Rarely do i see them talking so freely.
I miss those day, and i know — as i remember those days now, I'll want to remember these days too, the failures, the quiet wins, the restless nights, the silent prayers, the long walk with heavy thoughts, the music that exactly knew what i was feeling.
Because maybe… maybe years from now, I'll be sitting in a different room, under a different light, under a different silence — with these very moments,
the moments that are bit hard for me to handle, the thoughts will i ever do great things? , will i ever get out from this overthinking and actually starts doing things?.
I mean you got one life right? it should be obvious to make to good memories and remembering them.
And I certainly don't want to leave God out of this — not because I'm trying to sound religious, but because His presence has been quietly shaping me. Over the past year, I've been trying to understand His words — and they've slowly changed the way I see life, myself, and others. I've come to realize that God's love isn't limited to those who are “tagged” as Christians — it's for everyone. I've failed many times, fallen short more than I can count — but I still want to try. To understand. To believe. To walk in grace, even when it's hard
So yeah, i am still struggling to balance all this things, the urge of “ learning of everything”,
i still suck at design,
i still struggle to write code,
i still struggle in my faith,
i still struggle to express my thoughts out loud.
So I thought — what if I created a space?
A place to store what I'm learning. What I'm building. What I'm feeling.
A place for me — but maybe also for someone out there who feels the same way.
And that's why I built this.