I can't keep up

I often see myself setting idealistic goals and most of the time I fail to accomplish them, I don't even know why do i do that, and also they lack purpose. Even now, I am sitting in a cafe and out of no where I thought of writing about this but back in my head I know that this is not coming from inside and I don't have any idea what I am going write down, how i'm going to start, what I actually want to tell myself, just feeling like writing for sake of writing no emotions, no feelings. And it disappoints me and my motivation to write.

I feel too impatient to sit and think about why this is happening and I know I could do this but I am not able to, It's hard to capture my thoughts as soon as I grab them they slip away and I give up. And it only adds up more disappointment and more impatience in me. I just want a moment where I could just sit and write about myself no other humans, no thoughts of people, friends, family, work or anything.

When I place my fingers on keyboard ready to press the keys to form the words a series of thoughts strikes me down. People. what they will think when they read this, will they think of me as dumb?, are they going to judge me? and then it takes directions towards me, I make lot of grammar mistakes, how could I even write the way others write? I don't even know how to describe my emotions? I know this could've been written better but I don't know how. And yeah I know the answers to fix this, just write more read more, how can you even be perfect at anything without even practicing. Then why I am not able to follow this, why these fixes are just in form of thoughts why can't I do it actually? maybe i'm just weak, maybe this is not for me? maybe I can't do hard things?

Why the hell I give lot of excuses, if I think this way, writing is an impulsive action of humans to express themselves, they should question their own existence to form thoughts, to experience the emotions. Right now I focusing more on the medium to express the emotions instead of focusing on the emotions. Because I think unless you don't have clear emotions or thoughts you can't describe them, again I see myself moving away from the main topic but who the fuck cares I am going to write anyway.

Grammar fuckups

"why do i do that" — should be "why do I do that".

"what I am going write down" — should be "what I am going to write down".

"how i'm going" — should be "how I'm going".

"I feel impatient to sit" — should be "I feel too impatient to sit".

"It's hard to capture my thoughts as soon as I grab them they slip away" — two sentences joined without punctuation. Should be "It's hard to capture my thoughts — as soon as I grab them, they slip away."

"it only adds up more disappointment" — should be "it only adds more disappointment" — drop "up".

"When I place my fingers on keyboard" — should be "on the keyboard".

"a series of thoughts strikes me down" — should be "a series of thoughts strikes me" — drop "down".

"will they think of me as dumb?" — should be "will they think I'm dumb?"

"how could I even write the way others write?" — grammatically fine but "how could I ever write the way others do?" flows more naturally.

"how can you even be perfect" — should be "how can anyone even be perfect".

"Then why I am not able" — should be "Then why am I not able".

"Right now I focusing" — should be "Right now I am focusing".

"unless you don't have clear emotions" — "unless you don't" is a double negative. Should be "unless you have clear emotions".

"who the fuck cares I am going to write anyway" — needs punctuation — "who the fuck cares — I'm going to write anyway."